In the infinity of celestial bodies…

In all the immensity the universe lays before us…

Somewhere out there, I find myself thinking.

Nothing well structured. You know, just electrical pulses scattered across loose connections.

Nothing crazy, really, and yet enough to keep my mind busy.

I think about all the plans that didn’t work out. About the dreams that crumbled over the years.

I think about all the turns I never thought I’d take, but took anyway.

I think about what I believed to be true, but wasn’t. And what was true, but I refused to believe.

I think about the words I wanted to say, but didn’t. Sentences adrift in nonexistence, in the realm of imagination, where they can no longer become real.

I also think about what was said but shouldn’t have… About what could have stayed in the void, but made its way to the surface, where it didn’t belong.

I think about all I wanted to do, but didn’t. And about all I wanted to do, but couldn’t.

I think. I think a lot. I think too much.

And I feel a lot, too. To be honest, sometimes I feel sorry for feeling too much.

Not that I don’t want to be who I am–I’m very comfortable in my own skin.

I’d rather feel too much than not at all.

Even if it means constant agony. Even if I bleed for it, I’d rather see the world in all its colours than in a narrow, monochrome gamut.

It’s no fun if it’s tasteless.

I guess the problem is when I don’t feel anything.

Because this emptiness turns me black and white.

And, honestly… a life in greyscale is the last thing I want.

So I keep on thinking.

And feeling.

Sometimes, with sorrow. Other times, with joy.

But always thinking. And feeling. Not necessarily in that order.

***

As words and images tangle in my head, sensations follow at a similar pace.

Silence fills the space and brings a kind of comfort.

I breathe deeply.

I close my eyes and focus my attention on the rise and fall of my chest.

“It’s all good,” I tell myself.

Whether I believe what I say, well… who’s to say?

The restlessness suffocating me fades, and I fall asleep without noticing.

Momentarily disconnected.

Yet, eternally awake.