These days, while slouching on the couch, I found myself observing my apartment. Though I have been living here for more than two years now, I was meticulously analysing every corner my sight could reach without me having to move.
“Wow,” was the first thought that came to mind. “I live here.”
Don’t get me wrong. I am not bragging. My apartment is a regular one-bedroom far enough from downtown that I can afford it. And that is my first recognition of accomplishment. I can afford a one-bedroom apartment all by myself.
This realization caused me awe for two reasons:
- I am normally beating myself up, constantly thinking that I am far behind, that I am late, and that I should be more than what I am at any given moment;
- I am the “keep-going” type of guy. The one that keeps battling, even when the war is over. I just keep fighting, not stopping to celebrate victories or to recognise my accomplishments once in a while.
Nonetheless, surprisingly there was I, not only acknowledging a victory but also celebrating it, praising myself for being where I dreamt to be. It wasn’t easy to get here and for the first time I actually saw that. I comprehended that and assimilated it.
I was stunned. And that felt good. Good enough that made me wonder why I don’t do it often. Why don’t I recognise more my accomplishments instead of dragging myself down for things I haven’t gotten yet? Why do I keep complaining about what I don’t have and completely ignore all the thing I do have, things that were once a dream and now are a reality.
I think this is part of our eternal human duality: Wanting what we don’t have while not appreciating what we do.
I once dreamt that I was going to be who I am today: someone living abroad, being able to afford themselves, having an independent life, and surrounded by good people.
That dream once came true. I guess I was too busy to keep dreaming more, focusing too much on the goal and too little on the journey.
I once dreamed that I was me… And that… That is my everything.
***
For the first time, I look myself in the mirror and I appreciate what I see. Yes, I do have some crowfeet, yes, I can easily spot white hair on my head now, and yes, my skin isn’t as lush.
But that is who I am now. And before I wasn’t as grown up as I am now. I am my own upgrade, and that feels awesome.
Not long ago I thought I was close to my rock bottom, but, in reality, I don’t even know where that is, because I don’t really think I ever experienced it.
It is no longer about waiting for a sunny day to feel complete. It’s about enduring the dark rainy days while keeping my inner light intact.
“Yeah” I gasp in relief, “I think I finally re-found myself.”