I think I was supposed to not talk about it. Or if I did, tone it down a bit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But I honestly don\u2019t want to tone it down. I want this to be as raw and as genuine as possible, which is why I’m writing this at six in the morning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here we go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ll start with the obvious: although I didn\u2019t really want the outcome to be this one, I never wanted us to \u201chate\u201d each other or bring the worst of ourselves. So, in a sense, and maybe just for me, I\u2019m \u201cglad\u201d we put a full stop on our story before we could become each other\u2019s persona non grata.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n It doesn\u2019t mean I\u2019m happy we had to end so that we didn\u2019t eat up what was left of ourselves in the process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now, before I start with the good stuff, I need to say I understand that you didn\u2019t really mean part of what you said to me yesterday. Well\u2026 Maybe you meant the message<\/em> itself, but not how you delivered<\/em> it. It could be naive of me to think so, but I do hope you didn\u2019t want to say \u201cbetter find a new place fast, because I don\u2019t wanna see your face again\u201d. I get the message\u2014I really do\u2014but I\u2019m not sure you meant to say it that way. One can only hope, right? And no, I’m not playing the victim here. You have the right to think, do or say whatever you want. That’s one thing no one can, or should, take away from you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I won\u2019t pretend I\u2019m not hurt. I won’t pretend that that<\/em> didn’t hurt. Not because I\u2019m not giving you the benefit of the doubt\u2014on the contrary. I get that when we are hurt, we say hurtful things just to get a bit of self-respect back\u2014or at least that\u2019s what we tell ourselves. As if tossing sharp words around could somehow heal part of the dread we are feeling inside. It\u2019s bullshit, but we try it anyway. So, no, I won\u2019t hold it against you. It stings more than you think, but I get it, and I respect that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n With that out of the way… Finally, the good stuff now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Regardless of the outcome, I want to say you brought out the best in me most of the time. And you reignited a flame inside of me that had been too dimmed for way too long. I will always be grateful for that. I\u2019m naming this flame ambition at this time. But maybe in the future I\u2019ll rebrand it as something else? As we look back sometime down the road, things often take different shapes and forms. Colours get more or less saturated. And we see more clearly than before. This is probably what we call growing up after all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ll miss your laugh. You know, that one I say you do like your mum\u2014you shrug and move your head forwards a bit. It\u2019s very sweet and looks so genuine. It’s like watching you with no filters, no hurt, no fa\u00e7ade. It’s just you<\/em>, and it\u2019s beautiful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I’ll also miss our friendship\u2014the good and the bad of it. We were partners in crime, and, when it worked, I had this feeling we were unstoppable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For the next few weeks, it\u2019ll be a bit awkward. Feelings will be a bit too raw, and we\u2019ll no longer know how to behave around each other. I\u2019m telling you this because it\u2019s your first time. And hopefully the last! It’s a special kind of awful, and I don’t wish this on my fiercest enemy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Just try not to play it too cool, okay? As if you don\u2019t care. It\u2019s fine to care. We\u2019re both grieving here. And please, don’t take this as me trying to tell you what to do. If anything, it’s advice, if I still have the right to offer one. Most of my regrets come from this stage in a relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n At last, and maybe if you\u2019d ever read this, you\u2019d probably roll your eyes and say I’m not playing fair. And I swear I don\u2019t mean any of this to try to fix anything\u2014it is, indeed, best to stop now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I still haven\u2019t figured out the colour of your eyes. And I guess I never will. We\u2019ve always joked that the boys had gorgeous eyes. Well, that is true, but it doesn\u2019t mean yours aren\u2019t. Honestly, I\u2019d say they are mostly brown. However, if the sun hits the right angle, you can see a bit of gold and some hints of green\u2014like a hidden forest that shows up now and then before fading away once again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I decided, at this very moment, that in all my memories of you, from now on, your eyes will dress that colour\u2014an ode to the good times rather than a vain choice of mine, I swear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Please, make sure to have a great life. I\u2019ll try the same on my side, pinky promise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When we turn our corners, we won\u2019t be able to spot each other anymore. It\u2019s gonna sting, but it will help the healing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Then, at some point, the bad stuff will fade away… <\/p>\n\n\n\n And we\u2019ll meet someone else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In due course, we\u2019ll be nothing but a flicker\u2014if anything\u2014in each other’s heads. A bunch of mixed memories that will blend and become less clear as time flows. There\u2019s nothing wrong with that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I am sorry that it didn\u2019t work out\u2014that “us” <\/em>didn\u2019t, that is. It’s frustrating that we didn\u2019t find the sweet spot in our recipe. Something went stale, and now it just tastes wrong. And it really, really is terribly sad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But know that at some point, it was just perfect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The sweetest thing for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ll stick with that, mostly because my heart doesn’t have room for hate towards you. I won’t allow that, no matter what happens next.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I love you\u2014I really do. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Believe it or not\u2014that is up to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ll miss you on my birthdays, and it annoys me that I won\u2019t be attending yours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And with this, I think I said enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now we say our goodbyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It was a great journey, kind sir.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It just ended short, but it\u2019s best this way.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I think I was supposed to not talk about it. Or if I did, tone it down a bit. But I honestly don\u2019t want to tone it down. I want this to be as raw and as genuine as possible, which is why I’m writing this at six in the morning. Here we go. I\u2019ll […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-193","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/journal.igarachi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/193","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/journal.igarachi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/journal.igarachi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/journal.igarachi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/journal.igarachi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=193"}],"version-history":[{"count":16,"href":"https:\/\/journal.igarachi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/193\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":214,"href":"https:\/\/journal.igarachi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/193\/revisions\/214"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/journal.igarachi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=193"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/journal.igarachi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=193"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/journal.igarachi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=193"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}