I’m walking in the rain on my way home. A love song is playing loudly on repeat on my phone for the sixth time now, probably. This couldn’t be more cliché, though I am enjoying every second of it.

I haven’t pressed the eject button, yet, but I have been waving goodbye for some time. Yet, I’m right here, exactly where you are. Why, then, does my heart ache and burn so much?

I stare at the clock and flinch when I think of the fact our ending is approaching. At what time precisely will this chapter close? How much will I enjoy before I go? Will I be able to savour our last kiss? Would I be able to tell you it is the last one?

Well, I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. I guess we can agree that it was inevitable. Although I believed our feelings for each other could change the course of our destiny, there was a great chance I wouldn’t be able to withstand what was being offered to me.

It’s because I don’t want to hate you that I need to go.

It’s because I want to think fondly of you, even when you’re no longer “mine”. Cherish all the memories we built together instead of regretting them.

One day, when I all need to say to you leaves my mouth and makes its way to you like a shooting star, its dust trail will light up our hearts for the last time before everything changes.

A weak but sincere smile will seal our fate, leaving behind a case full of unrealised dreams.

Not too long after, light will break this darkness that lingers heavily in the air…

That is because it’s always darkest before the dawn.

So be it.

As the Autumn grins and waves hi with its spooky tiny little twigy hands, I watch the sunlight bathe your face in a late afternoon.

I am not sure how this makes me feel, but I can’t deny: I love the view. Maybe it is the shape of your iris or perhaps it is how the light enhances its colour. Something just makes this too interesting to be unnoticed. Without much delay, though, I quiet and smoothly focus my sight in a different direction. That breaks any possibility of tension between us… Or so I’d like to believe.

Life still feels weird. Ups and downs here and there, for sure, and probably more ups than downs. Yet, somehow the horizon is not as clear as it was “meant” to be. Whatever that means.

Everything feels foreign, weird and awkward like having deep conversations with complete strangers and being vulnerable with them as if we were close friends. Playing a game of give and take while measuring how much to give based on what we are taking.

How much to give is up to us. That until the choice is no longer in our hands. You know, it only takes one boundary to be crossed before we realise it may be too late to step back. Again, whatever the latter means.

***

I navigate through different universes, while delimiting the boundaries of my own with a certain degree of caution. I allow visitors from different galaxies to hop on and off, placing “do not enter” signs wherever applicable in hopes they will stay firm.

I am in control until I am not.

It’s boring to hold it all in.

It’s dangerous to let it all out.

So in this duality, I stand in between. Holding in what I can, while letting out what can’t stay hidden forever.

And if at some point my path intertwine with his, whoever he is, so be it.

A different outcome can only exist if the variables passed are not the same ones as before.

So they say…

You know, so they say…

I remember watching the horizon and the blinking lights of the city before us from the 26th floor when you suddenly ask me:

“Are you sure about this? I mean… Isn’t it too early?”

I can see the gears behind your eyes turning frantically. You are preoccupied. Your face tries to hide it, but your eyes are saying it all loud and clear. You have more to say, I can tell. But you choose to be cautious, picking the right words perfectly before putting them out there.

“I don’t know” – I brush the worries aside – “I am happy. Happy as I haven’t been in a long time. Guess I’m focusing on that for now”.

You look away. How can you make a comeback to that? You hesitate, I notice.

Right before I can ask you anything, you turn your eyes back to me and smile.

“If you’re happy, then be happy. You seize it with all you got and don’t let go”.

We look at each other and I nod.

“Alright”.

Fast-forward to now.

I am looking at the horizon with a weak smile. It is not the same scenery as the one on that night, but I bet it is as majestic as it can possibly be. The sun is not close to the sea. Yet, it looks as golden as if it were. The daylight is turning slightly amber as we approach the late afternoon.

This is a perfect beach day, as long as I find a way to fully seize it.

I am surrounded by people I barely know, but somehow I feel very comfortable.

I have a sip of the cider inside the black thermos. Someone turns to me and asks something kindly, to which I reply quite automatically. I can’t recall the question, but I guess it doesn’t really matter.

I feel so alive and so ready. Nonetheless, the mess I have just been through is still floating above my head as a stubborn stormy cloud.

I sigh, as usual.

“What is wrong?” – someone else asks me.

“Oh, nothing, nothing. I’m just thinking. Do I look sad?”

“Not really, no. You just look adrift”.

“Lost in my own thoughts, I guess” – I reply and smile – “Better get back to Earth, right?”

“Take all the time you need, sir”.

I close my eyes and focus on the sound of the waves crashing on the shore.

I take a moment to feel the weak breeze sliding on my cheeks.

The sun feels cozily warm. Not as strong as a couple of hours before and also not as cold as the golden hour. It feels just right.

When I open my eyes again, I realise my vision is a bit cloudy now.

I scratch my eyes slightly and wipe my fingers on my shorts.

I stand up and go straight to the sea.

Thankfully no one asks where I am going to or if they can join me.

My feet touch the water and I can feel my skin retracting from the cold.

I observe my ankles getting beaten up by the waves while they come and go indefinitely.

A mix of all sorts of feelings floods my chest violently.

I stand still.

I am fine.

I breathe in.

I already said goodbye to you.

Now I must say goodbye to the dreams we shared so that new ones can come.

That is the missing piece in the puzzle.

I finally get it.

So I watch silently.

I watch our dreams being taken away by the cold waters of the pacific ocean.

One by one.

Leaving behind a colourful brilliant trace of possibilities that will never come true.

I see every moment I dreamt of imprinted in the water while the waves crash and blend everything together.

Then, I observe the resulting mixture of colours expanding like an exploding supernova, slowly spreading out in the vast sea in front of me.

This goes until the water is see-through once again.

Somehow, this isn’t sad: It is profoundly liberating.

I exhale in relief.

“Goodbye” – I say.

“Thank you… For everything”.

So I turn my back to the sea and walk away.

It is over.

I smile. It feels a bit stronger than before.

It is over, for good.