I lie down on the living room floor and look through the window. The outside is upside-down, purposefully, and I can’t hold it but giggle a bit at my silliness. I notice how gorgeous the day is: the sky is blue and the sun is beaming strongly. Although the weather looks warm, I know the wind is crisp and the air is not as hot as a month ago. We can’t deny that Autumn is around the corner.

The leaves on the trees in front of my window are gracefully dancing and shining bright as the sunlight penetrates their surface. I wish I could hear their sound, but I can’t: I am listening to one of my favourite songs and I wasn’t shy when setting the volume to almost 100%. While the melody plays along, I keep watching the leaves jittering to the wind incessantly. My heart beats steadily, following the percussion of the song I am listening to.

My mind is far away, crossing a different galaxy as I navigate through a set of emotions. They aren’t loud, which is good, and nothing is foreign: I have been here before; I know this place like the back of my hand. I guess I should be freaking out. Instead, I shrug: It is because I know that the most precious thing to me will never be taken away.

I feel as “comfy” as one can be, floating on and spinning around massive waves of sensations and experiences, like a kid playing in a park. I see life blooming around me, beginnings and endings popping up everywhere.

For the first time in a long time, I love what I see on the horizon before me. It is no longer muddy or dark. It isn’t crystal clear either, but the truth is that it never was. I am gobsmacked by this bright light that is coming from it… Because this is no longer a promise, it is now a reality.

This light warms up every single cell of my body.

And for that…

For that, I am immensely grateful.

I roll my eyes the second I look at the clock and I realise I am fully awake even though it still is six on the dot.

I sigh as my options don’t look good right now: Closing my eyes again will only kill time; Getting to work so early will not make it any better.

I then stay in bed and wait for the big waves of questioning thoughts to flood my mind without a real purpose.

For starters, I am glad I am awake because waking up did cease what I would call a silly nightmare in which “he” throws another tantrum and trashes my place. No further comments on that. The dream before it was as bad: I was trapped in a woody feudal city, trying to stay above water as the whole municipality was being hit and flooded by a tsunami. As far as I can remember, I managed to survive, though it wasn’t an outstanding experience if I can be completely honest here.

I decide to get up – feeling defeated for not being able to nap again – and stand by the window. Cars are passing slowly. I mean, why would they even rush at this hour? The sky is grey and the air coming from outside is refreshing. No doubt the summer is phasing out.

The leaves on the trees in front of my unit will soon be all yellow, then gone. That in a month or two. And while I observe a few of them fall here and there, I think of how life’s about to turn again, just like this season.

Soon, I will be back to square one. Now officially. I can clearly picture this place less busy and quieter. This, in particular, doesn’t scare me, I actually feel excited about it: It symbolises the closure of another chapter, announcing that the darkest has passed and the dawn is finally tinting the horizon.

Although things are looking great, I am scared. Scared to death, as usual. Preoccupied with what I think will happen given past experiences (even knowing that the outcome is in my favour after all hurdles are overcome). Anticipating and preparing for things that might not even take place, like a survivalist. What a silly goose, right?

A ray of light breaks through the clouds and warms up my face. It soon fades away and the day becomes dull again. Its warmth lingers for a while before giving in, long enough for me to smirk.

“Good timing” – I think. Right before an imminent and spiral descent.

The alarm rings. It’s now seven. I wake up from this trance I am in and finally start my mundanely exciting routine.

The same realisation I always have pops in my head once again: Nothing is under control, just like it should be.