As the Autumn grins and waves hi with its spooky tiny little twigy hands, I watch the sunlight bathe your face in a late afternoon.

I am not sure how this makes me feel, but I can’t deny: I love the view. Maybe it is the shape of your iris or perhaps it is how the light enhances its colour. Something just makes this too interesting to be unnoticed. Without much delay, though, I quiet and smoothly focus my sight in a different direction. That breaks any possibility of tension between us… Or so I’d like to believe.

Life still feels weird. Ups and downs here and there, for sure, and probably more ups than downs. Yet, somehow the horizon is not as clear as it was “meant” to be. Whatever that means.

Everything feels foreign, weird and awkward like having deep conversations with complete strangers and being vulnerable with them as if we were close friends. Playing a game of give and take while measuring how much to give based on what we are taking.

How much to give is up to us. That until the choice is no longer in our hands. You know, it only takes one boundary to be crossed before we realise it may be too late to step back. Again, whatever the latter means.

***

I navigate through different universes, while delimiting the boundaries of my own with a certain degree of caution. I allow visitors from different galaxies to hop on and off, placing “do not enter” signs wherever applicable in hopes they will stay firm.

I am in control until I am not.

It’s boring to hold it all in.

It’s dangerous to let it all out.

So in this duality, I stand in between. Holding in what I can, while letting out what can’t stay hidden forever.

And if at some point my path intertwine with his, whoever he is, so be it.

A different outcome can only exist if the variables passed are not the same ones as before.

So they say…

You know, so they say…

I remember watching the horizon and the blinking lights of the city before us from the 26th floor when you suddenly ask me:

“Are you sure about this? I mean… Isn’t it too early?”

I can see the gears behind your eyes turning frantically. You are preoccupied. Your face tries to hide it, but your eyes are saying it all loud and clear. You have more to say, I can tell. But you choose to be cautious, picking the right words perfectly before putting them out there.

“I don’t know” – I brush the worries aside – “I am happy. Happy as I haven’t been in a long time. Guess I’m focusing on that for now”.

You look away. How can you make a comeback to that? You hesitate, I notice.

Right before I can ask you anything, you turn your eyes back to me and smile.

“If you’re happy, then be happy. You seize it with all you got and don’t let go”.

We look at each other and I nod.

“Alright”.

Fast-forward to now.

I am looking at the horizon with a weak smile. It is not the same scenery as the one on that night, but I bet it is as majestic as it can possibly be. The sun is not close to the sea. Yet, it looks as golden as if it were. The daylight is turning slightly amber as we approach the late afternoon.

This is a perfect beach day, as long as I find a way to fully seize it.

I am surrounded by people I barely know, but somehow I feel very comfortable.

I have a sip of the cider inside the black thermos. Someone turns to me and asks something kindly, to which I reply quite automatically. I can’t recall the question, but I guess it doesn’t really matter.

I feel so alive and so ready. Nonetheless, the mess I have just been through is still floating above my head as a stubborn stormy cloud.

I sigh, as usual.

“What is wrong?” – someone else asks me.

“Oh, nothing, nothing. I’m just thinking. Do I look sad?”

“Not really, no. You just look adrift”.

“Lost in my own thoughts, I guess” – I reply and smile – “Better get back to Earth, right?”

“Take all the time you need, sir”.

I close my eyes and focus on the sound of the waves crashing on the shore.

I take a moment to feel the weak breeze sliding on my cheeks.

The sun feels cozily warm. Not as strong as a couple of hours before and also not as cold as the golden hour. It feels just right.

When I open my eyes again, I realise my vision is a bit cloudy now.

I scratch my eyes slightly and wipe my fingers on my shorts.

I stand up and go straight to the sea.

Thankfully no one asks where I am going to or if they can join me.

My feet touch the water and I can feel my skin retracting from the cold.

I observe my ankles getting beaten up by the waves while they come and go indefinitely.

A mix of all sorts of feelings floods my chest violently.

I stand still.

I am fine.

I breathe in.

I already said goodbye to you.

Now I must say goodbye to the dreams we shared so that new ones can come.

That is the missing piece in the puzzle.

I finally get it.

So I watch silently.

I watch our dreams being taken away by the cold waters of the pacific ocean.

One by one.

Leaving behind a colourful brilliant trace of possibilities that will never come true.

I see every moment I dreamt of imprinted in the water while the waves crash and blend everything together.

Then, I observe the resulting mixture of colours expanding like an exploding supernova, slowly spreading out in the vast sea in front of me.

This goes until the water is see-through once again.

Somehow, this isn’t sad: It is profoundly liberating.

I exhale in relief.

“Goodbye” – I say.

“Thank you… For everything”.

So I turn my back to the sea and walk away.

It is over.

I smile. It feels a bit stronger than before.

It is over, for good.

I heard the sun finally set for you.

Your final chapter took a while, though we could all say that, still, it was too fast.

It didn’t take too long for me to be notified of your passing.

Sufficienty long enough, though, as I wasn’t able to say goodbye.

Sigh.

I am relieved to know you finally found peace.

And that your pain is gone.

It is frustrating to realise that you had to go with it.

You didn’t have to, did you?

I guess you didn’t have a choice after all…

I hope that if you are still out there somewhere somehow, you find redemption.

I believe that is what you would want.

That… We will never know.

*****

As we spectate you blending with the horizon while you get further and further away, we say our goodbyes to you.

Even knowing you can’t hear us anymore, we say it anyways.

Go in peace and please… Please, don’t look back.

You already left a piece of you in us.

We already took all we needed, now we hold on to it.

That is good enough until we finally meet again.

Until then…

Rest in peace.

I woke up this morning with a bruise on my left knee. I don’t recall how I got it or why it is there. It’s just sitting here like it is a memento of a trauma that is yet to be healed.

I don’t have to close my eyes to spectate flashes of our last talk and how much we hurt each other. I remember watching your eyes through the tears barricading them and asking myself “How did we get here?”… “Why must it be like this?”.

Need I not say that dreams were dismantled both for us? My heart descended to a profound abysm just like yours did as we watched every single thing we pictured for our future falling through the gaps of our fingers like sand. I lost as much as you did and you should know it by now.

You once said you had more to lose. What could that even mean? How can you weigh things you are not aware of? It is unjust for you to think your sacrifices are the only ones that count. There are always two sides to a story. What about mine?

Your recent words pierced my flesh like never before. And I regret listening to them as I still don’t agree with how things were portrayed.

I truly hope you never feel the slightest remorse for what you said to me. You complained that I barely apologised for how I handled things, for how I made you feel… Now I ask you: Have you ever apologised for what you did to me? Do you really think you were the only one living a nightmare? Not recognising your faults on this won’t make things better for us. It will only cover the mistakes, not fix them. Fingers crossed that someday you will understand this. Not for me, but for yourself.

So… I throw you one last smile and say farewell to you. I don’t wave goodbye as I turn my back to you and walk away. I don’t look back nor regret any of the steps forward I am taking right now.

I still wish you nothing but the best, though I won’t say it. And as we get more distant, like celestial bodies being pulled away by forces from opposite directions, I long for your happiness. I really do. But now, from afar.

Eventually, in due course, you will become a vague memory to me as I, too, will to you. Once this happens, we will know, even if unconsciously, that our story is finally sealed.

And then, I am sure, there will be no more hurting.