The sun is shining in weird angles. Places in the apartment that didn’t get any sunlight are now bathed with it intensely. I know, it is the shift in seasons. It is just curious how these small details still catch my attention, even after repeating themselves over and over again.

I am glad the sun is out. It doesn’t matter how long it is gone, when it is back, it always manages to make a clear statement ”I will show up eventually“. That brings me comfort. It makes me look forward to brighter days when all there is is darkness. I guess part of my perseverance comes from the fact I always expect that the light will be back, no matter how or when.

Throughout most of my life, I worried. I still do. I worry that I am not healthy enough, good enough, happy enough, fast enough. I worry that I am late for what hasn’t even come yet. If I had known all the times I hadn’t seized due to my preoccupation with things, would I have been encouraged to change my behaviour?

I am looking at you right in the eyes. Yes, you. And time seems to have stopped. I observe how incredibly well the blue of your eyes matches with the blue of the sky. It is so damn annoying, I tell you. I hold your hands. They feel warm and cozy. I am about to let them go, but I am afraid that by doing so I’d be repeating the same mistake again… Not waiting for the cake to be ready; Trying to haste a step that needs time. So I hold on. For now.

The truth is that I don’t want to wake up from you. But I don’t want this to become a nightmare either. Am I really dreaming or am I wide awake? If I open my eyes, will you disappear?

In the realm of make-believe, I walk on a silver line, balancing myself not to fall from cloud nine. Step by step. Breathing steadily. Smiling and frowning according to the beat.

If I ever let go, please know that it was a last resort for self-preservation. And that I didn’t want to open my eyes, really. That whatever it was that was said was true at that time…

At last, know that I am not sorry.

Because maybe it just wasn’t the right time.

Maybe we will cross paths again, or maybe not.

And if I end up not letting go.

Well…

Then, let’s just scratch out the above.